My Stupid Dog and His Lonely Brain Cell

Let me introduce you all to my dog Wrapps. He loves to bark at his own reflection and likes to make nose-art on windows. Other hobbies include eating poop or flies, and spending half the day cleaning his jewels.

And what is it with this dog and pooping in a line?? It cannot only be my dog that does this! He’ll poop, then walk like 6 steps while he’s squatting down, then poop again and repeat the pattern until he is done. It’s like those memory games you used to play as a kid, only the dog owner version; you have to remember the 7 different places he placed a turd so that you can pick it up later. “But why not pick it up while he is pooping?”, you may ask. Well, that is a good question with a simple answer. When he is done pooping (and you never know when he is done; it could be after one turd or turd number eight), he likes to take a run for it, like he’s trying to run away from the crime scene making me almost face plant in the poo he just made! Let’s just say that you learn from your mistakes …

Oh lord! And that one time when he raided my whole pantie-drawer! Why? Just W-H-Y?? I had to wash them all over again!

My dog is a hunting breed, which means that when the few weeks of grouse hunting are over, he’ll go over to hunting flies. When I’m sunbathing he’ll just stand beside me like a creep and glare all over my body, waiting for his pray to be drawn to sweat and sunscreen. And when a fly finally sits on me he’ll eat it. But sometimes he makes a boo-boo; he’ll mistake one of my moles for a fly, charge at it and attack. And when he finds out he has been mistaken it’s like he gets so embarrassed that he represses the memory of the whole situation, but then ends up repeating the exact same mistake again only to get super embarrassed once more. And he does this every feckin’ time!

And he it sooo protective!! He’ll bark at the trash-car since they are obviously stealing our stuff, and if he sees his own reflection in the window he thinks there is another dog there barking right back at him. Lord what an idiot! And when I come home he’ll just go bananas and bark like crazy thinking that I am a burglar or something ...

It’s like he cannot recognize my voice, but all the different sounds of my Tupperware boxes he is able to distinguish from one another! He can hear what box I’m opening in the kitchen basted on the “size” of the *plopp* that the lid makes cuz’ he knows that I keep the cheese in one of them … And the crinkle of plastic wrappers; he’ll come running if I touch the dog snacks, but won’t lift a finger (more like a toe?) if it’s a normal plastic bag. I swear; this dog! There is no way that he owns more than one brain cell, but I still love him loads …

Love, Amelié